Bittersweet

Guess where I am? I'll give you a hint. I am not at home, not with my sweet husband and beautiful children. I'm not folding laundry or cooking dinner. I'm not wiping noses and behinds. Most of all, I'm not quite sure what to do with myself.


I left yesterday for a short weekend away...all ALONE. I'm in a tourist town just about half an hour from my house and, let me say it again, all ALONE.


While Big Daddy was deployed, we talked at length about me going away by myself when he got back. When he came back, we started adjusting to being a family again and it just didn't happen. I'll admit that a big part of why it didn't happen was because I just couldn't bring myself to do it.


I'm all talk, apparently. I talk big about taking this great "Heather Weekend" and then when it comes time to actually make a plan and go, I turn into a big wimp. I can't do it.


Big Daddy wouldn't let me out of it this time. We realized that this was our only free weekend for a while and he actually got me to hit the "Submit" button on a hotel reservation before I could make another excuse to get out of it. We went to bed that night and as I thought about it, I felt like I was going to be sick. Ditto for the next morning when it was time to pack.


At any rate, here I am sitting in a hotel room doing whatever I want, with no schedule and with no one that needs me. I've walked around historic downtown, to the farmer's market, outlet malls and then to see a movie. It's been amazing to have this time. I've had fun. I've spent time just browsing stores that I usually either avoid or rush through. I woke up this morning whenever my body told me to, not someone else's body jumping on my bed telling me that the sun is awake and I should be too.



Yet, I've spent the last 24 hours teetering on mixed emotions. Feeling rejuvenated and calm one minute. Feeling guilty and sad that I miss my family the next. Why is that? Why do Moms feel guilty about doing things for themselves? I subscribe to the philosophy that taking time like this makes us better moms. I preach it to my girlfriends and tell them how much they need it. How it will make them feel like they are refreshed and ready to tackle motherhood with less frustration and anxiety. I needed to take a dose of my own medicine.



I'm thankful that I have this time. I'm thankful that I have a husband who encourages me to take time for myself to remember who I am and the things I like to do. I'm thankful that I have two beautiful children to go home to tomorrow who will be so happy to see me. I'm just so thankful.



Now, if this pesky guilt would just go away.